Walker On The Path

This blog is an honest and open expression of what it is to be a writer, a romantic and a sad, sad, sad solo mum. The journey I'm on is a quest for Faith to overcome Fear. I am walking my path and I've got to share it or burst.

Three Days

Like an excited child, I follow your hand

into a night-time heaven to see glow-worms. 

Your torch lights my unsteady steps through 

mud and slick leaves, and I recall a different 

path, another day,

when I’d reflected on bright, pure water in a 

riverbed far away: there were clouds about 

my head, and white-tipped mountains rose 

in front of me, behind me; dark branches

framed, like a cage. 

I remember staring at the image, musing

the idea of ‘as above, so below’. That day,

the day before you, I had prayed that those 

mountains were not quite so cold, and cruel;

unbearably lonely. 

You stop, shut off the light and my eyes

adjust to magic. Suddenly the stars 

above are so below and all around. 

We float in an twinkling black grotto with

starry, earth-soaked walls. 

The only reminders that I am not suddenly

suspended in the night sky are the 

silhouette fronds framing overhead, the

caging sway of branches, and your kiss.  

You have touched me

in so many ways, these last three days:

soothed me with the peace and calm of

a quiet man talking quietly and the

focused way you get on with what needs

to be done today; 

nourished me with oysters shucked from their 

shells on the beach, their slippery saltiness 

erotic in my mouth - a reminder of a watched 

clock. What is a respectable time

to go to bed?

Seduced me with music and strong skilled

fingers that play their tune on twelve strings,

and the growling poetry of Dylan. At night those

fingers played me like a guitar and, Love,

you made me music. 

In the morning, I reflected on the cool lapping

water of the Sounds. Above me, below me, is blue;

around me the deep green of gentle, sloping hills. 

There are no branches caging this day and I say 

goodbye to mountains.    

Walking with Cocoa, my beautiful dog, on a beautiful path today. There must be a metaphor here - something to do with puddles seeming to be an obstacle, but really its the puddles which make life really interesting. Or, something to do with reflections - what is above so is below. Dunno. There’s a poem a-stirring….

Walking with Cocoa, my beautiful dog, on a beautiful path today. There must be a metaphor here - something to do with puddles seeming to be an obstacle, but really its the puddles which make life really interesting. Or, something to do with reflections - what is above so is below. Dunno. There’s a poem a-stirring….

If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: “It’s gonna go wrong.” Or “She’s going to hurt me.” Or, “I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore …” Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.

Ray Bradbury (via kari-shma)

Getting stuck in.

I got really stuck into writing last night. I procrastinated for ages, as always, but once I was in the zone, I was there, baby. Adding a new scene at the beginning. I want them to meet in the library, and I want him to be a brute. And I want her to like it. 

I had been censoring my characters like I censor myself, I suspect. I am torn between my Christian faith and that romantic - dammit say it - sexual side of me that is dangerous to suppress. You suppress sexuality, like anger, like grief, it will inevitably at some point explode all over your life. I have decided that my sexuality, much like that of someone who identifies as homosexual, is something that God has given me. And, if Jesus was a man as much as he was/is God, then he had a sexuality too. It is a comfort that he understands mine. 

It’s not as if I have much sex, none at all actually, as I’m not in a relationship. But I do think about it. Alot. This is something I’m giving to my heroine who has a romantic heart too, and is ready to learn what all the fuss is about. 

When I talk to my Christian friends about sex, the general sway of opinion leans towards abstinence before marriage. Could I keep my hands off a man I love and desire? No way. Sorry. I couldn’t. Given a chance I’d rip the poor guy to shreds, turn him inside out and use him till neither of us can walk. Then I’d marry him. Is that wrong? Some will say so, but it’s honest, and in line with the sexuality I was given.

The characters in my book should be no different then. They’re just going to have to go with the sexuality their creator gave them. They’re going to meet in the library. He’s going to be a brute and she’s going to like it. 

Sharing Poetry: Charles Bukowski, "So You Want To Be A Writer"

sharingpoetry:

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,

9 months ago - 646

Evaluation Prayer.

churchjanitor:

Lord,

I have looked for some way of measuring what my day looks like in your eyes. I tried to consider what events are big and small in light of your grace. I looked at what I prayed, what I thought, and repented of sin. I tried to evaluate my days, but I heard you say one question in response. Did I live as Jesus lives today? I thank you for that question. It comforts me, yet extorts me to further rely on your grace. Thank you.
Amen

Alice (age 4): Why is there a hedgehog sticker on my window?
Me (driving): A hedgehog sticker on your window? Eh?
Alice: Yes, Mummy. Look.
Me (spinning head around to look as quickly as I can): No, Darling. That's a bird poo.

A very rude word

The other day I asked a friend of mine in London, who has a creative but fundamentally rude way with words, to help me name one of the villains in my historical romance novel. He came up with ‘Davey the Cunt’. Now, obviously I cannot use this name, as much as I was slumped over my keyboard laughing until the tears threatened to short curcuit my gorgeous Mac. Why? Because it has been decided that this particular word, the one beginning with C, is the most offensive word in the English language.  Well, not for this girl. I really like the word, but because I hate to upset people or seem rude myself (although secretly I am) I’ll try not to use it for the rest of this post, but I must discuss it briefly. 

The first time I realised that this word was not as bad as everyone, particularly my mum, makes out was the first time I read Hamlet. Shakespeare has young Hamlet talk about sitting in between Ophelia’s legs to watch the dumb show: ”Do you think I meant country matters? …That’s a fair thought, to lie between maids’ legs.” Every time I’ve seen Hamlet, and I seen it many times over the years, the director always delights in having this uncomfortable sexual moment where Hamlet opens her legs to sit between her feet. How could you resist it? The play on words is obvious and I loved it. So, if the word is all right by Shakespeare, then it’s all right with this girl (his biggest fan). 

Wikipedia has a long article all about the controversial word, so I won’t repeat the etymology here, but do have a look if you are interested. It’s very respectable, being at once global and ancient. I once had a long debate with the writer Graham Joyce about the use of the word to describe female genitalia in his books. Blimey, he uses it with enthusiasm - obviously a lover of cunts himself. He argued that there is no stronger, nor more powerful word to describe female bits and pieces than the word cunt. And the word used to describe such a thing as a cunt should be strong and powerful, to do it justice, to honour it. 

Yes. The C word is all right by me. (But I won’t be calling my villain it.) 

Grace

Wonderful sermon this morning; all about the graciousness of unconditional love. Our vicar was saying how important it is not to judge others, as we are all on our own journey with Christ. It doesn’t matter whether a person is apparently good or bad, but rather we should show graciousness to everyone, whilst remaining true to our own values in our own lives.

This idea of unconditional love towards others, that same love that Christ has for each of us, has been a real support to me in the past when dealing with difficult people, including my ex, the father of my two little girls. Despite everything he’s done to me and I’ve done to him - and we’ve hurt each other and been real mean, believe me - I try to remember to love him UNconditionally. That doesn’t mean I let him walk all over me, although he has in the past. It means I get to keep the peace, even though keeping my mouth shut has been difficult at times. What it means is that we have avoided court, kept the girls in a relationship with both their parents, and are in the process of building a supportive friendship based on the parenting of the two children who mean the world to both of us.

There’s a lot to be said for peacemaking and being meek, for loving your enemy unconditionally. Try it sometime. Apparently you’ll be blessed. 

tumblrbot asked: ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

Easy - Dinosaurs. My 4 year old thinks so too.